We have a simple definition of life-on-life discipleship: it is nothing more than laboring in the lives of a few with the intention of imparting one’s life, God’s Word, and the gospel, so as to see them become mature and equipped followers of Christ, committed to doing the same in the lives of others.
This requires having a spiritual life product, being intentional about imparting that product, and spending enough time doing the right things to impart that product. The Christian family is an optimal context for this spiritual dynamic due to the tremendous influence parents have in their children’s lives. Children are essentially parents’ primary disciples.
If your stage of life doesn’t involve parenting, you can still apply the truth and equipping found in this article. Whether you are a grandparent looking for ways to support your adult children and grandchildren, or someone who hopes to have children one day, or even an aunt or uncle of kids, there is something in this article for you.
Let’s get started.
1. Teach Them About God at All Times
Deuteronomy 6:4-7 contains some of the most famous and influential verses of the entire Bible:
“Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.” (ESV).
In these verses, we see that God is one. We see the greatest commandment. We are also commanded to teach God’s Word to our children, not just at church on Sundays, but throughout all aspects of life. Waking, walking, going to sleep, and everything in between provide opportunities for us to demonstrate God’s truth to our children.
What does this mean practically for parents today? It means that we treat every moment as an opportunity to demonstrate our faith and teach our children. You can have spiritual conversations in the car, at meals, before bed, after school, during weekend sports, and so on.
The world bombards children with all kinds of messages: Advertisements, social media, the news, TV shows, books, and movies. As parents, we can help our kids process these messages. We can pause during a movie and ask our kids how this compares to God’s truth. We can highlight God’s redemptive work and push back against the schemes of sinful people.
Ultimately, kids look to their parents for help separating the truth from the lies of the world. As their primary disciple-makers, we have a duty to study and know the truth ourselves so that we can teach it to our children.
2. Demonstrate an Appealing Faith
Studying and knowing the truth is a key element of living this second principle. We must set an example and demonstrate a faith that is worth imitating.
Remember this foundational principle of life-on-life discipleship: you must have a spiritual life product that you actively seek to impart to your children. That life product is your journey toward becoming a mature and equipped follower of Christ.
This is not to say that you must achieve some ideal level of spiritual progress before you can influence your children for Jesus. It is merely a call to engage in imparting your spiritual life, wherever you may be in your spiritual journey.
Practically, this means that you show your children that you are seeking to grow in your faith with joy and authenticity. It means you model prayer, church attendance, reading the Bible, and living with integrity for them. It even means you model repentance, seeking forgiveness when you make mistakes, and forgiving your children when they do the same.
In 1 Corinthians 11:1 (ESV), Paul puts it this way: “Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ.” Ephesians 4:32 (ESV) is another good verse on imitation: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
Children tend to imitate their parents, so make sure you are worthy of being imitated by seeking to imitate Christ yourself.
3. Shepherd Your Child’s Heart
It’s easy to focus on shaping our kids’ behavior, but God calls us to focus on shaping their hearts.
The older brother in Jesus’ story of the prodigal son (Luke 15) is an example of how good behavior can mask a heart that does not love God. Jesus’ point in telling this story was to show the Pharisees that He knew their hearts, and that their rigid observance of the law did not fool God.
Parents must remember this lesson. It is much easier to focus on a child’s behavior, but parents must constantly remind themselves that the right target to influence is the heart. A parent can train a child to appear refined, civil, courteous, even mature without ever addressing the evil inclination in his or her heart. But all this does is create a new generation of Pharisees, whom Jesus likened to beautiful tombs that dress up the bones they hide inside. Parents must remember that good behavior is no substitute for spiritual life.
How does one do this? It takes time, effort, intentionality, and prayer. It means we don’t simply reward or punish behaviors, but ask children about the heart behind their actions and continually point them to Christ. It means helping kids recognize the sin in their own hearts and teaching them to seek forgiveness and strength from the Lord (see the Gospel Waltz).
As Proverbs 4:23 (NIV) says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” When you focus on protecting and shepherding your child’s heart towards God, then many behavioral issues will naturally take care of themselves.
To learn more about this concept, check out the book, Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Ted Tripp.
4. Host Family Devotions
One practical way to apply some of these concepts is to host family devotions on a regular basis. During these devotions, you and your children have the opportunity to study God’s truth together and pray together. You can demonstrate your love for God and watch as His truth hits their hearts.
Life is busy for many people in the modern world, but we should be able to make time for this vital aspect of disciple-making.
If you’ve never done family devotions, don’t be afraid to start small. Remember that family devotions can be short and simple, they can be daily or weekly. The important thing is that you start.
Here are a few ideas on when to host your family devotions:
- Before bedtime or naptime
- After dinner or family meals (even if it’s just one or two nights per week when everyone is together)
- Sunday afternoons–make them part of your Sabbath routine
Wondering what you will cover? You can always open up the Bible and read different books together. If that is a little intimidating, then here are a few other helpful resources for family devotions (depending on their age).
- The Jesus Storybook Bible by Sally Lloyd-Jones
- How Great Is Our God by Louie Giglio (Devotions about God and science)
- The Biggest Story Bible Storybook by Kevin DeYoung
Family devotions can sometimes feel chaotic, and you might wonder if anything is getting through. Remember, however, that there is incredible value that comes from habitually getting into God’s Word.
Hebrews 4:12 (ESV) says, “For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.”
When kids hear God’s Word, it works on their hearts. Even if they have short attention spans, even when they act silly, God’s Word will influence them.
5. Pray with Your Children
It’s important to teach your kids how to study God’s Word. Likewise, we must demonstrate and teach our children how to pray.
There are many opportunities to pray with children. You can pray before meals, pray at bedtime, pray before school starts, pray when you’re scared, and pray when you are thankful. Prayer should be an everyday practice, not a once-in-a-while event.
As 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (ESV) says, “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”
Prayer can also help teach children to recognize God’s blessings and cultivate a thankful heart. Practicing gratitude is vital to our souls and enjoying the contentment that comes from Christ.
Encourage your children to pray; you can even have them repeat after you as they learn how to pray. And when you pray, remember that they may be listening. Set an example because they will learn to imitate your prayers.
And of course, pray for your children, even when they are not around. In the end, the work of God’s Spirit is what will change our children’s hearts. We should pray for them often, not just for their blessing but also for their spiritual formation.
6. Celebrate the Sabbath Together
It’s one of the oldest traditions and commandments of the Bible, but it’s often forgotten in our modern context. Exodus 20:8 (ESV) says, “Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.”
The Sabbath and weekly worship services provide a great, consistent opportunity to disciple children. When families attend corporate worship together, kids get to watch and imitate their parents singing praises to the Lord. When kids go to their own programming, it’s a great opportunity for parents to ask and share what they’ve been learning in their respective classes.
Attending corporate worship isn’t the only way to celebrate the Sabbath together (it is the Lord’s Day, not just the Lord’s morning). Sunday provides great opportunities for families to slow down, to connect, to have a family devotion, to play games together, or go on a leisurely walk.
Life is busy, and schedules with work and sports and other extra-curriculars can make it hard to find time together. Sunday provides a consistent touch point for families to rest and recharge together, and most importantly, to seek the Lord together.
Many parents worry about their children quitting church when they head off to college. One of the best ways to encourage them to continue attending church is to prioritize it when they are living at home. If they witness you skipping church to do other things, there is a good chance they’ll come to believe church is only important when there isn’t a better alternative. Once they get to college, there are a lot of alternatives, so emphasize the importance of corporate worship with your children by both word and example.
7. Serve Others Together
Parents are called to love their children. In the Bible, loving others frequently means we serve them. Mark 10:42-43 (ESV), for instance, says this:
And Jesus called them to him and said to them, “You know that those who are considered rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. But it shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant …”
It is good that parents serve their children, but part of that calling is to also teach your children how to serve. Modern culture is often built around convenience and personal satisfaction. Advertisements don’t promote products that will help you serve others, but rather serve yourself.
And yet, serving others carries several important benefits. It brings us closer to Christ because we imitate Him when we serve others. It produces gratitude in our children, because when they serve others, they begin to recognize the work required when others serve them. Serving others keeps us humble, it teaches us to love more effectively, and it actively fights against the selfish and sinful nature of our hearts.
As parents, we should look for opportunities to serve as a family, whether it is volunteering at a local food bank, helping a neighbor, or supporting a ministry in your church. Engaging your children in acts of service is a practical way to teach them the value of serving, and will help cultivate a servant’s heart that is founded in the ultimate example we have in Christ.
8. Be Present and Listen to Your Children
Discipleship happens in the context of relationships. Life-on-life discipleship, by definition, requires you to actively share your life with someone else. In order to do this, you have to intentionally invest time in your child’s life through one-on-one conversations, activities, and active listening.
This doesn’t mean you’re present 24/7. It doesn’t mean you have to be the perfect parent who never works or gets things done around the house.
It does mean, however, that you take time each day to speak with your children, to demonstrate an interest in their lives, and to pay attention to their successes and struggles.
For many parents today, that means putting your phone away. Smartphones are a major distraction to deep relationships, and we’re setting an example for our kids. Studies consistently show the negative impacts of smartphones on kids and teenagers (and adults), so demonstrating a healthy relationship with smartphones might be one of the best things we can do for our children.
And of course, when we put the phones away, we become much more aware of the people in our immediate proximity. It becomes much easier to teach our children God’s truth, to be present, to recognize non-verbal cues, and to listen to what’s going on in their lives.
9. Encourage Questions About Faith
Believers should never fear the truth. We believe in Jesus, and as He said in John 14:6 (ESV), “I am the way, and the truth, and the life.”
If Jesus is the truth, we should never be afraid of questions or exploring faith with our children. Kids can ask some pretty deep and even surprising questions. It can be tempting to shut these down, to stutter and divert attention to another topic.
And yet, there are tremendous benefits to creating an environment where children feel free to ask their parents questions about God and faith.
Encouraging questions can help cultivate curiosity in your children and a desire to explore the truths of God’s Scripture. It also teaches your children that, if they have questions, there is no one better to go to than their parents. Consider this: as your children grow older, where do you want them to get answers to life’s questions? From you? From the kids on the school bus? From the internet?
Here is a simple way to encourage curiosity and push them to keep coming to you with their questions. It doesn’t matter if the kids ask you why bad things happen to good people, what happens when we die, or where babies come from. When your kids ask you a question, start by saying, “That is a great question! I’m so glad you asked me about that.”
Not only does this encourage them to keep coming to you with questions, but it also gives you a few seconds to start formulating your answer!
Answering these kinds of questions isn’t always easy, but it is important for parents to remember they are the primary discipler of their children. When possible, look at the answer in God’s Word with your child, to show them where our ultimate source of truth is. If you don’t know the answer, don’t be afraid to also say, “I’d like to think about that, can I give you an answer tomorrow”
1 Peter 3:15 (ESV) says, “in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect.” The questions that kids ask can be unpredictable, but we can prepare ourselves by consistently filling our hearts and minds with the truth.
10. Equip children to make and train disciples
Kids tend to imitate their parents automatically at a younger age, but as they become teenagers they will be faced with a number of choices. Ultimately, these choices come down to this one choice: will they make their faith their own?
As believers, we are called to make and train disciples. Matthew 28:19-20 (ESV) says, “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”
We are called to share our faith and teach others to do the same. When we empower and encourage our children to share their own faith, it pushes them to make their faith their own. Not only that, it allows them to see God working through them in the lives of others, which can help strengthen their own faith. And of course, when our kids share the gospel, they help spread God’s kingdom.
Parents can encourage their children to pray for their friends, talk about Jesus at school, or share Bible stories with younger siblings. You can organize serving opportunities, go on family mission trips, and invite neighbors to church. As we’ve already said in this article, you can also set an example for your kids. When they see you sharing your faith, you demonstrate its importance and encourage your children to be imitators of Christ.
11. Remember the Role of the Holy Spirit
All of these principles and tactics can help parents act as the primary disciple makers of their children. It is important to remember, however, that only the Holy Spirit can create a love for God in the heart of your child. This is why Solomon prayed these words in 1 Kings 8:58 (ESV), “…that He may incline our hearts to Him.”
Does the role of the Holy Spirit contradict what has been said so far about a parent’s influence?
Not really, for it is still true that the most persuasive attractant of a child’s heart to Christ is the power of the Holy Spirit working in and through a parent’s life. Your own love for Jesus is a powerful influence on the heart of your child. So, you must rely upon the Holy Spirit to make the gospel real and winsome in your life, so that your love for Jesus woos the heart of your child.
Conclusion:
Psalm 127:3 (ESV) says, “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.” Children are an incredible gift from God, but also a tremendous responsibility.
Throughout Scripture, God calls His people to teach and train their children the truth. Discipling our children is a vital calling and one that helps ensure God’s kingdom will continue to grow and expand throughout the world. Proverbs 22:6 (ESV) says, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”
While we cannot force our children to believe the good news, we can pray for them, teach them, and set a winsome example of a life that has been transformed by the gospel.
For more on this topic, check out these helpful, biblical books on parenting: