Leading a church is a noble calling, but for many pastors, it can feel like a lonely job. Pastors often have great pastoral relationships with their members, but meaningful friendships can be harder to cultivate. Some pastors have been taught they should not make friends with church members, and others wonder if it is possible.
The reality is, everyone needs strong friendships, especially pastors. We’ve written before about how discipleship can help solve the loneliness epidemic, and pastors are not immune to loneliness. They need good friends.
In this article, we will explain why we believe pastors can and should be friends with certain church members, plus provide several ways pastors today can build strong friendships.
Pastoral Friendships: The Challenge
It doesn’t matter if you’re the pastor of a mega-church or a church plant, it can be difficult to build strong friendships in your congregation. There are several reasons for this:
- As pastor, you have a certain level of spiritual authority over members.
- Members get a very up-close look at your work on a regular basis, and it can be hard to separate the role from the person.
- Members fund the pastor’s salary through their financial giving.
- Any kind of meeting (lunch, watching the game, going fishing, etc) can feel like “it’s for ministry” and you have to be switched on.
- Pastors can get too focused on the work, and not make time for cultivating strong relationships.
- Pastors are flawed, but it can be hard to be vulnerable about things when you’re around the people you’re supposed to be shepherding.
- Sometimes people need to vent about work—this is really difficult for pastors when speaking with church members.
There are other reasons it can be hard for pastors to build strong relationships with their members—there are real challenges here. Jeremy Todd, a pastor and writer for the Gospel Coalition, explained it this way in his article, Yes, Pastors Should Have Friends:
“As a young pastor I was advised to never become close friends with anyone in my congregation. This advice, though intended to protect, only deepened my sense of isolation and despair. I longed for relationships with those I lived alongside and saw on a regular basis.”
While there may be some risks and challenges with building friendships with your congregation, there are definite problems for pastors who feel isolated. This is one of the reasons we believe it is important for pastors to build and maintain strong friendships. Let’s explore this more.
Why Pastors Should Have Good Friends
There are several logical and Biblical reasons that pastors should have good friends in their church.
Jesus modeled friendship with his disciples: In John 15:15 (ESV), Jesus says this to his disciples: “No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.” Jesus lived in a life-on-life relationship with his disciples. They learned from him, but they also befriended him and ultimately carried on his ministry after he ascended into heaven.
All Christians are called to community: Pastors regularly preach about the importance of community, and they are not exempt from that calling. Hebrews 10:24-25 (ESV) highlights how important it is to have strong relationships: “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” Pastors, just like everyone else, need encouragement, accountability, and to be pushed towards Christ.
Loneliness Limits Ministry: Stephen Witmer shares the importance of friendships for pastors in his article, Loneliness Limits Ministry: “I’ve realized that a failure to prioritize and cultivate friendships deprives me of significant joys and fresh ideas, contributes to loneliness and envy, and increases my vulnerability to sin. I’m a better pastor when I’m surrounded by friends.” If you want to be an effective pastor, you’ll need good friendships in your life.
Friendships refresh the spirit: Leadership can be a tiring and lonely road at times, but friendships are good for the soul. Witmer quotes 1 Corinthians 16:17-18 (ESV) to illustrate this point: “I rejoice at the coming of Stephanas and Fortunatus and Achaicus, because they have made up for your absence, for they refreshed my spirit as well as yours.” Like Jesus, the apostle Paul had strong relationships. These people brought him joy and refreshed his spirit – a vital task for someone who frequently traveled and faced persecution.
Now that we have established the importance of good friendships for pastors, let’s talk about effective ways to make friends.
