There is significant value to having old friends, but they are not exactly easy to make.
An old friend is someone who, for a while, knew you in a deep and impactful way. Even though you may get separated by time and space, you always look forward to seeing each other again. When you finally run into each other or catch up at a reunion, you feel your heart swell. You step back into conversation with them and can be just as vulnerable with them as you were ten years ago.
Ben Rector sings about this in his song, “Old Friends.”
‘Cause no one knows you like they know you
And no one probably ever will
You can grow up, make new ones
But truth is there’s nothing like old friends
With those words, Rector is able to capture the value of old friends. They are the people who know you best, the people who watched you change and grow, the people who have walked through trials with you, and the people who would defend you to this day–even if it has been a decade since your last meeting.
Later in the song, Rector comments that “you can’t make old friends.”
As much as I love the song, I disagree with him on this point. You certainly cannot make an old friend today, but you can make strong friendships that, over time, turn into old friends.
One of the best ways to build old friendships? Life-on-life discipleship.
A Picture of Old Friends
One of the best illustrations of old friends comes from the beginning of J.R.R. Tolkien’s book, The Fellowship of the Ring.
Gandalf, the wandering wizard, has returned to the Shire to visit with Bilbo Baggins.
Bilbo is inside, busily planning his 111th birthday. When he hears another knock on the door, his frustration is apparent:
“No, thank you! We don’t want any more visitors, well-wishers, or distant relations!!”
If you’re not familiar with the story, you should know that Bilbo went on a quest with Gandalf seventy years before this scene. During this adventure, they traveled over mountains and through caves, soared on Eagle’s wings, and snuck through dark forests. They even helped defeat a powerful dragon, and so Bilbo returned home to the Shire, a wealthy hobbit.
Their adventure was the kind of journey that bonds people for life.
The locals knew (or suspected) Bilbo’s wealth, and his 111th birthday was a big deal. The well-wishers and distant relations were not visiting Bilbo because they loved him, but rather because they hoped to gain a little piece of that mysterious dragon treasure.
But not Gandalf. Gandalf had come to see his friend and celebrate his birthday. When he hears Bilbo’s rant about well-wishers, he responds with a simple question, “And what about very old friends?”
Bilbo recognizes his voice and flings the door open. You can hear the sound of joy and disbelief in his voice. After all, it has been years since he saw the wizard. “Gandalf?! My dear Gandalf!”
They hug, they laugh together, and Bilbo cannot hide his excitement. You can tell his thoughts go something like this, “Here at last is someone who truly knows me, someone who loves me despite my faults and quirks, and someone who is not here just to get something from me.”
Within minutes, the two blaze through small talk and get to the deeper things in life. Bilbo expresses his frustration with his extended relatives, his desire to revisit the mountains, and the weariness in his soul.
It is a beautiful scene and a perfect picture of what old friends look like.
Biblical Expressions of Old Friendship
The idea of old friendship can also be seen throughout the Bible. Many of these examples come from the apostle Paul as he writes letters to beloved friends around the Mediterranean (all Scripture references below are ESV).
For instance, in 2 Timothy 1:3–4, he says,
“I thank God whom I serve, as did my ancestors, with a clear conscience, as I remember you constantly in my prayers night and day. As I remember your tears, I long to see you, that I may be filled with joy.”
Even though he has not seen Timothy in a long time, he still prays for him constantly. He remembers the transparent moments they had, the way they grew together, and Timothy’s tears. He longs to see his friend again, so that he “may be filled with joy.”
In 1 Thessalonians 2:17, Paul expresses the fact that time and space cannot separate the love he has for his friends in Thessalonica, and how he longs to see them again. “But since we were torn away from you, brothers, for a short time, in person, not in heart, we endeavored the more eagerly and with great desire to see you face to face.”
There are several passages like this throughout the New Testament. Paul would travel from town to town, helping to build new churches and laboring alongside people he came to love. He longed to see them again, he prayed for them and gave thanks for them, and he knew there would be great joy if they met each other face to face.
Other authors in the New Testament express similar sentiments. For instance, in 2 John 1:12, the author says, “Though I have much to write to you, I would rather not use paper and ink. Instead I hope to come to you and talk face to face, so that our joy may be complete.”
And of course, we can see examples of old friendships in the Old Testament as well. The most famous example is that of David and Jonathan. When difficult circumstances meant they may never see each other again, Jonathan said this to David in 1 Samuel 20:42, “Go in peace, because we have sworn both of us in the name of the LORD, saying, ‘The LORD shall be between me and you, and between my offspring and your offspring, forever.’”
No matter the circumstances, the two would remain friends. The foundation for that friendship and the glue that held them together was none other than the LORD, giving their friendship value “forever.”
From these verses, we begin to see the path towards making old friends.
How Discipleship Helps You Make Old Friends
Life-on-life discipleship might just be the best way to make old friends. Remember our definition of life-on-life discipleship:
Laboring in the lives of a few with the intention of imparting one’s life, the gospel, and God’s Word in such a way as to see them become mature and equipped followers of Christ, committed to doing the same in the lives of others.
With discipleship, you impart your life to help others grow. You pray together, you serve together, and you experience transformational growth together. You study the gospel and God’s Word with one another, and so God acts like the glue that begins to hold you together, just like David and Jonathan.
This is one of the reasons we recommend keeping discipleship groups small. When a group has four to six people, it is possible to go deep. Larger groups can build friendships, but it is tougher to build lifelong connections with so many people at once.
Discipleship groups provide an environment that encourages transparency, vulnerability, honesty, and growth. If you are in discipleship groups for long, you will likely walk closely with people experiencing both extreme tragedies and resounding triumphs.
We call our primary discipleship curriculum The Journey, because discipleship and spiritual maturity do indeed require a journey. As we saw with Bilbo and Gandalf at the beginning of this article, journeys have a tendency to bring people together.
It will not happen in week one. It may not happen in week fourteen. Somewhere along the way, however, many disciples find that their closest friends are in their discipleship groups.
And so, ten years from now, you will discover you have old friends thanks to the people you invested in through life-on-life discipleship.
Discipleship groups do not last forever. As you saw in our definition, one of the goals of life-on-life missional discipleship is spiritual multiplication. But that is the beauty of old friends–even if it has been years since your last group meeting together, you can still connect, quickly get through the small talk, and share life again.
Conclusion
Making old friends requires an investment of time and energy. You might spend years cultivating friendships, and there is no guarantee that everyone you invest in will become an old friend (or even a new friend). Over time, however, as you invest in the lives of others, you will start to recognize certain rare friendships that you know will last a lifetime, even if you get separated by time and space.
There is a popular saying that usually gets applied to investing in the stock market or starting a physical fitness routine but it can also be applied to making old friends: “The best time to start was twenty years ago. The second best time to start is today.”
If you are ready to start, remember that one of the best ways to build old friendships is by joining a life-on-life discipleship group. If you have never been part of one, or would like to learn more about what it means, check out the following articles or our discipleship training program.
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